I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
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Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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