My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
