I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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