I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize