just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
