Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
