So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
