You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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