I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
