my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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