So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Randomize
