You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Randomize
