His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
