I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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