At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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