She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
