i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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