Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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