So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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