You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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