Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
