please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
