I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
