I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
someone owes me an orgasm
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
