I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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