so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
