I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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