the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
