There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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