I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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