im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
