I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
