she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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