Kareoke will never be a sober sport
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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