He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
