Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
