Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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