I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
