Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize
