first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
