my shit smells like andre
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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