dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
