The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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