Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
