My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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