I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
