it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
