the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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