I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
