i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
