Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
