yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
