im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
