I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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